​ANON- Fundamentally, absolute truths that are universally agreed upon need to exist in some form in order for society to function.

That’s why everyone agrees that the world is flat, that pizza from Oklahoma is supreme, and that my neighbor Jessica is actually God. That’s why the world doesn’t collapse every day.

Speaking from a purely scientific standpoint, there is a crap ton of tangible evidence to refute flat Earth conspiracies. From a rational perspective there are points to be made about the quality of a pie from the panhandle. Spiritually, it would take a hefty amount of faith in Jessica’s party hosting skills to believe she’s the messiah.

But you don’t need to subscribe to the exact same fundamental truths as another human being in order to treat them with decency. The standards of behaviour we hold ourselves to should not falter when we react to a stranger expressing that the best pizza they’ve ever had was from Stillwater, Oklahoma. Our morality doesn’t slip when a friend admits to thinking the world is flat. When your neighbor proclaims they have risen from the dead to save your soul, you politely leave their housewarming party claiming IBS.

It is not right in any form or fashion to confront, harass, or demean members of the LGBT and genderqueer community. I am SURE you would love to have a spirited debate with someone about how there are only two genders. I can also assure you with utmost certainty that the person you singled out in line at Starbucks because they had short purple hair does NOT want to have that conversation right now.

When I am in a comfortable position to inform someone in my life that I identify as non-binary/genderqueer I always brace myself for painful questions. I know that the brain reacts to being introduced to uncharted fields of information by reverting to primitive tactics.

Monkey brain says there are only two genders.

Okay Jeff, no problem I’ll just explain to you real fast that gender is actually a spectrum. Gender by definition has more to do with societal and cultural differences rather than biological differences. Gender is different than sex, which refers directly to someone’s genitalia.

​​HA! Monkey brain says there are only two sexes.

Okay Jeff, I tried to veer our conversation off a creepy path by using the word genitalia instead of penis/vagina. I digress, intersex individuals, meaning people with reproductive or sexual anatomy that differs from the typical penis or vagina situation, do exist all over the world in staggering numbers. It’s really weird to be discussing sex organs with you in this environment since we are in a platonic/business/professional relationship and I want you to respect me.

At this point, whoever ‘Jeff’ happens to be to me in that moment (boss, family member, friend, or my neighbor Jessica) is just as uncomfortable as I am.

All I wanted from Jeff was to be treated with respect. I wanted to let Jeff know that I trust him, and would appreciate him acknowledging my preferences surrounding my expressed gender. It could be as simple as asking Jeff to refer to me as they/them or by my name from now on. Or maybe I am uncomfortable with the way Jeff interacts with me on the assumption that I am female or that I subscribe to a specific gender identity.

I’m not asking Jeff to change his opinion on the matter of gender. I’m not even asking Jeff to google “gender identity vs. gender expression” or learn any new definitions.

I would just like Jeff to treat me with the same respect and dignity he would treat any other person with. I want to be afforded the decency that any other good-meaning person deserves.

Me opening up to Jeff or “coming out” to him is not an attack on his beliefs, his opinions, or his religion. Wanting to be called by my name and not referred to as a female is not my way of forcing the gay agenda onto Jeff and/or his family.

​In any business environment, your colleagues, associates, and bosses expect a level of professionalism that requires a bit more than just common decency. If you notice that you exhibit Jeff-like behaviours when building relationships with your contemporaries, you might want to rethink your approach. At least before someone less forgiving than I sends your interaction in an email to HR. It could cost you your career.

I’m writing this as a formal warning to all the Jeffs currently traversing the bureaucratic hellscape alongside me. I used to be one of you.

A long time ago I had no idea what the word transgender meant. All I knew was that my insurance premiums were high, and that the screeching banshee of a newscaster on TV said it was because people wanted sex changes for free.

​Obviously that sounded a little too hateful to be true so I googled transgender for myself. I couldn’t understand why anyone would want sex realignment surgery. At that point in my life I very much disregarded the idea that anyone could be anything other than the gender they were assigned at birth. I believed that, even though in my heart I felt so strongly that I did not want society to label me as either of the two most popular genders.

It took one of my close friends coming out as trans to really kickstart my empathy for their community, and that’s horrible. It shouldn’t have taken that for me to behave like a decent human being.

Since I was already so interested in the idea of gender I should have researched the topic. I should have reached out to trans people and asked about their experiences. I should have educated myself and responded with empathy when I learned about the pain and suffering that afflicts trans communities everywhere.

So here is a warning to all the current Jeffs of the world—times are changing. If you want to be a part of the aggressors, the people who make living harmoniously in this world so very difficult, continue on as usual. Just Jeffing it up left and right.

But keep in mind that being a Jeff might cost you a great deal when you get called out for your behaviour.

​illustration credit: teacuphoneybee, Center for Gender Sanity

AL- I was officially diagnosed with autism when I was six years old. Even eleven years later, my parents are still ashamed of this diagnosis, and they prevent me from discussing my autism with anyone because they find it embarrassing.

​That is exactly why I wanted to write this post, and that is exactly why I created a Tumblr blog specifically to discuss how I live as an autistic person.

I am autistic, and I can speak for myself.

With autism comes a wide variety of symptoms, some of which include sensory overload (when a surrounding environment suddenly becomes painfully overwhelming–the lights become searing and sounds become booming and you can suddenly feel the rotation of the Earth beneath your feet), going nonverbal (not being able to verbally communicate for certain amounts of time–it feels like there is suddenly a language barrier between your mind and your tongue), stimming (a method used by some autistic people as a means to either express emotions or cope with a negative stimuli, like sensory overload), and other symptoms as well.

These differences don’t make us broken, nor do the terms “high-functioning” or “low-functioning” represent us. Many autistic individuals find those terms offensive. We aren't mechanical products to be labelled for their worth; we are just as human as the rest of the world.

Many autistic people, like myself, actually exhibit symptoms that can be found all over the spectrum. For example, I go to school, attend regular classes (Advanced Placement classes actually make up half of my schedule), participate in band, have a job, and am in a very fulfilling relationship that has lasted for nearly a year so far. However, I also struggle with verbally expressing my emotions: sometimes I lash out in random spouts of anger that last no more than two minutes long; have hours (and even days) where I can’t move, drink water, eat, or bathe because my brain is overwhelmed; and often have numerous sensory overload episodes a week where I shut down, cry, and become highly irritable.

As an autistic individual, it is easy to see that society was not built for people like me. Many people believe that the only solution is to “cure” my autism, but I don’t believe that is the case. I don’t need to be cured. I just need to be accepted. When I tell this to people, their eyes usually fill with pity and their words become soaked with something unintentionally condescending:

“I’m so sorry that you’re autistic.”
“It must be so hard.”
“You are so brave.”
“But you don’t look autistic! You’re doing a really great job!”

It’s clear to me that they think that my autism is holding me back–that it’s a part of me that can be “fixed.” But things that aren’t broken don’t need to be fixed.

Would you tell a woman facing issues with discrimination that you hope that they find a “cure” for her womanhood? Would you try to “fix” her and change her so people stop harassing her or treating her unfairly?

No.

The only thing that needs to be fixed is society.

My autism isn’t something that holds me back or shelters the “real me.” My autism is me and I am autistic. Sure, I might function differently than some other individuals in society, but difference does not equate to damage, nor does it mean that I am dangerous.

That is something that the organization Autism Speaks does not understand. Autism Speaks does not speak for autistic people, and it certainly does not speak for me.

Although Autism Speaks is a well-known group that is openly supported by various celebrities and organizations, that does not mean that it is a good organization. Not only does it have zero autistic members on its board, but it has even financially and emotionally supported parents that murdered their autistic children because they viewed them as a burden.

This organization demonizes autistic individuals, and it provides absolutely no support for us. Almost all of their funding goes towards advertisements advocating for a cure, and it is clear that they don’t support autistic individuals as well.

This Autism Acceptance Month, all I ask is that my voice is not only heard, but understood. We don’t need awareness, we need acceptance. We are autistic, and we can speak for ourselves. All we need are people who are willing to listen.

​Organizations to support this Autism Acceptance Month (and every other month of the year):
Autistic Self Advocacy Network run by autistic people for autistic people
Autism Women’s Network run to help support autistic women and break stereotypes surrounding autistic individuals

Al is seventeen years old, and is currently in her eleventh grade year at a high school in California. She is an enthusiastic oboist, tubist, trombonist, and drum major in her high school band, and she absolutely loves to make puns. Her dreams and aspirations for the future include seeing the Northern Lights and getting a career as a music therapist. Follow her on Instagram at @gentle.positivity or on Tumblr at asdpositivity or dochasonafriday.

illustration credit: colleenillu

RAGINI- Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that 2017 would turn out the way it has. Every day seems to be a new adventure, filled with greedy politicians and hateful citizens making headlines for increasingly negative reasons. I’ve noticed something, however, that has given me a glimmer of hope: these horrendous events have actually been bringing people together rather than tearing them apart. For example, the overwhelming amounts of police brutality led to many athletes and citizens #TakingAKnee during the national anthem. The massive number of natural disasters around the country caused devastation, but brought in so many volunteers that some had to be turned away. The naming of hundreds of sexual abusers gave rise to the powerful #MeToo movement, the members of which became Time’s People of the Year. Across the nation - and even the world - people are uniting to fight for what they believe is right. 
​
December 31 is a day on which we resolve to be better and do better, both individually and as a community. This coming year, let us all resolve to continue (or in some cases, begin) this pattern of correcting injustices, educating our friends and family on social issues, and fighting for what we believe in. Let us be the hope we wish to see in the world.

The final day of the year is also one on which we reflect on the past 364 days. Join us as we take a look back at 2017 through the eyes of the Garamasalas staff and see what made this year unique for each of them.  

• social media used the most​​​​: Snapchat
• favorite phone game: Piano Tiles
• inspirational icon who rose to fame this year: Jackie Aina 
• major lifestyle change: getting my braces off
• saddest news: the crazy amount of women who publicly reported experiences regarding abuses and inappropriate sexual conduct through the #MeToo movement
• best news: Fenty Beauty made $72 million in one month just by making products affordable and inclusive to everyone & galvanized other beauty companies to expand their shade ranges
• saddest moment: lost my voice for 3 months
• best moment: seeing DEAN live in concert on my birthday with my best friend Madeline
• describe 2017 in one word: waaaw 
• describe what you expect/want to achieve in 2018 in one word: recovery

• social media used the most​​​​: Twitter
• favorite phone game: Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp
• inspirational icon who rose to fame this year: Maxine Waters
• major lifestyle change: started college
• saddest news: slave trade in Libya
• best news: multiple first minorities elected in local government across the US
• saddest moment: cutting ties with old friends
• best moment: seeing my family from India and New Zealand after years (some of them for the first time)
• describe 2017 in one word: rollercoaster
• describe what you expect/want to achieve in 2018 in one word: contentment

• social media used the most​​​​: Tumblr
• favorite phone game: deleting the massive number of alarms that I have on my phone because instead of using a recurring alarm I make a new one each night and there isn't an option to delete them all at once
• inspirational icon who rose to fame this year: Carmen Yulin Cruz (the mayor of Puerto Rico)
• major lifestyle change: I'm not single for the first time in my life
• saddest news: Hurricane Harvey
• best news: Roy Moore losing the special election for the U.S Senate Seat
• saddest moment: my family had to go to six flags without me one day because I was sick
• best moment: the Dean concert I went to with my #1 best friend on her birthday :)
• describe 2017 in one word: wild
• describe what you expect/want to achieve in 2018 in one word: certainty

• social media used the most​​​​: Snapchat
• favorite phone game: Doodle Jump
• inspirational icon who rose to fame this year: Tarana Burke
• major lifestyle change: moved into an apartment
• saddest news: travel ban on people from “Muslim countries”
• best news: Kat Creech transformed a postponed wedding into a volunteer opportunity for Hurricane Harvey victims. 
• saddest moment: chipping a few teeth
• best moment: Returning to India after 8 years
• describe 2017 in one word: lessons
• describe what you expect/want to achieve in 2018 in one word: stability

VINAY & RAGINI- Imagine going into an AT&T store to purchase a new internet plan. On top of the base price, the employee offers you several bundles you can buy, similar to the way cable companies add on extra channels. One bundle allows you access to social media sites so you can update Facebook/Twitter/WhatsApp, one is for video services if you want to stream Netflix/Hulu/YouTube, and one is for major news sites if you want to stay informed about the world. Without purchasing all of these bundles separately, your access to these websites will be blocked. Unfortunately, net neutrality, the only thing protecting us from such an expensive reality, could potentially disappear.

Net neutrality is basically a set of rules that were specifically put into place to stop internet service providers (ISPs) from denying or regulating the speed of service based on content type, provider, or any other arbitrary categorization. Right now, the internet is labeled a public utility, so ISPs cannot control the speed or amount of internet traffic that is demanded by the customer or provided by the web based service. This means that if I have a plan with Verizon that gives me an internet speed of 75 mbps, I can watch Netflix, check Twitter, or Google pictures of fluffy puppies and expect all of these pages to load at a certain speed. If net neutrality is abolished, Verizon could charge me extra for using what they feel is too much data on Netflix, force me to buy a separate social media package to browse Twitter, or block Google altogether and only allow me access to Yahoo!, which they own.

On a personal level, every single internet user should care about net neutrality. Not only does it protect you from paying more for slower service, it also allows you to see the content you want to see without companies interfering and only displaying results beneficial to them. This level of censorship is not some dystopian future I’m making up; it has already happened multiple times in the recent past. Back in 2006, AOL blocked emails containing links to dearaol.com, a website containing criticism of the company. More recently, Verizon disallowed a pro-choice group from sending text notifications to their subscribers. These are not isolated incidents, nor are these the only companies to tailor their services to their own whims. Since 2005, major service providers have been showing us exactly what they would do without the open internet, and if net neutrality is ended next month, we can only expect more and more of the same.

Take a moment to think about this censorship on a broader scope. The internet is not just a source of entertainment. It is a database that serves to educate thousands of people about thousands of topics every day, a place where anyone can share their story and have the potential to be heard. Minority content creators who would never have gotten any attention through conventional means are finally able to have a voice. People are able to educate themselves on issues like racism or LGBT+ and women’s rights. Voters are able to learn about issues from unbiased, factual sources, and stories that the mainstream media tries to suppress are going viral on Twitter. Major stories which were being hidden for years are being exposed, such as the sexual assault allegations against politicians and actors. In a future with no net neutrality, voices of the groups that are starting to be heard will once again be silenced, and the people in power will once again be protected from defamation and any real consequences.

While most people regardless of their political party are in favor of net neutrality, the policy does have its critics. One of the main arguments is that an open internet policy is against the principles of free market. As with the censorship issue, the companies that stand to profit the most from the demise of net neutrality have already shown us how they would handle themselves if left to their own devices. Google had a project in which they were trying to provide free wifi up to a certain speed across the US. Verizon and AT&T saw the beginning of this project, realized that it would mean nobody would buy their internet plans, and lobbied to stop Google’s program. If these companies are allowed to go unchecked, they will work to monopolize the internet and no new ideas or businesses will be able to prevail amongst them, clearly going against the principles of free market. If you’re curious as to other reasons people may oppose net neutrality, check out this link with some common concerns along with explanations as to why they are not correct. Net neutrality helps every internet user, and its removal will only benefit the people in charge of the ISPs; these millionaires will continue to get richer and richer while throwing the rest of us under the bus.

The government is bringing back the net neutrality vote time and time again in hopes that the public will tire out and eventually they will be able to do as they please. It is up to us to show them that we will not back down. Depending on how much time and effort you are willing to put in, there are several ways you can help in this fight. For people with just a few moments to spare, Battle for the Net is a user-friendly website that provides a pre-written email followed by a script for phone calls. All you have to do is take 30 seconds (seriously, I timed it) to enter your information and the website takes care of the rest. You can also text RESIST to 50409 or add resistbot on Facebook Messenger and have it message your officials for you in under two minutes. If you don’t mind crafting your own messages, send a few emails to Ajit Pai, Michael O’Rielly, and Brendan Carr. Out of the five Federal Communications Commission (FCC) members voting on net neutrality on December 14, these are the three who plan to vote against it. If we can convince even one of them to change their mind, the vote will be shifted in favor of saving net neutrality. They can be reached at ajit.pai@fcc.gov, mike.orielly@fcc.gov, and brendan.carr@fcc.gov. Finally, for the passionate internet-lovers with time to spare, there are protests happening at Verizon stores across the nation on December 7. Make some signs and bring your friends - just remember to be courteous to the employees. Chances are they hate this whole situation just as much as you do. When net neutrality was first established, what convinced the FCC to approve it was the millions of messages they received from the public in support of an open internet. Now that it is once again in peril, we must work together to protect the internet as we know it. If you use the internet, this issue affects you. So please spread the word and take action — before it’s too late.

illustration credit: themoskabot

GARAMASALAS EDITORS- These days, it’s easy to look around at the world and feel disheartened by what you see. With the current social and political climate, people worldwide are feeling hopeless. Among these dark, dark clouds, what better day to look for silver linings than Thanksgiving? Today is a day to stop and think about what you do have rather than what you don’t. It’s a day to look at your circumstances and be grateful for the people and things that bring joy and love into your life.

​Not everyone has all — or any — of the things many of us take for granted, like our families, friends and health. For those of you who are fortunate enough to have the extra time and/or money, the Garamasalas staff urges you to consider giving back this season and brightening the day of someone who is in a position less favorable than yours. We’ve created a list of acts of kindness that is versatile enough for everyone to choose at least one or two and help spread the love today. ​​
​

1. Smile and say hello to a stranger you pass by.
2. Give a genuine compliment to a cashier or server.
3. Put a surprise note in a loved one’s bag.
4. Pay for the person behind you in a drive-thru.
5. Write a small letter to your parents telling them how much you appreciate them.
6. Hold the door for the people behind you.
7. Make cards for soldiers or people in the hospital.
8. Call someone you know who’s having a hard time and just listen to them for as long as they’d like.
9. Tell someone face-to-face how much they mean to you.
10. Make blankets to donate to hospitals or homeless shelters.
11. Cook a meal or do a load of laundry for a loved one who’s going through a tough time
12. Let the person behind you at the supermarket checkout with one or two items go ahead of you.
13. Volunteer or donate to a food bank.
14. Put sticky notes with positive messages on the mirrors in restrooms.
15. Play board games with senior citizens at a nursing home (sixty percent of them will never have a visitor during their stay).
16. Give someone who's crying in public a tissue, and offer to listen to them if they’re comfortable with it.
17. Tell a customer service rep that you appreciate their hard work and hope they have a wonderful day.
18. Compliment someone in front of others.
19. Create a playlist for someone you care about.
20. Apologize to someone with whom you don’t get along.
21. Say yes at the store when the cashier asks if you want to donate $1 to a cause.
22. Give a hug to someone you know and just say thank you.
23. Call your mom.
24. Gather some friends and pick up trash along a particularly litter-filled street in your town.
25. Make a little extra food as you’re cooking and share it with someone who needs a fresh meal.​

​If you’re searching for food to share, look no further! Each member of the Garamasalas team has shared their favorite Thanksgiving recipe for you to enjoy.

​This signature stuffing recipe comes from Madeline's great-grandmother and has been passed down through her family for generations. It stems from the belief that the turkey isn't the only thing that makes Thanksgiving great. 

Every year Praneeka’s family makes traditional Thanksgiving dishes with an Indian twist. In place of the traditional turkey, try out their aloo-stuffed chicken this year! For more of her adapted recipes, check out our previous Thanksgiving post.

Non-veg recipes not your style? Try Shail’s family paneer tikka masala. One of the richest vegetarian recipes in Indian cuisine, this timeless favorite is sure to satisfy even the pickiest of palates.

On auspicious days, it is customary in Indian culture to distribute sweets among family, friends, and strangers. Most often, the sweets being shared are bite-sized spheres made of fried gram flour called ladoos. Make a batch at home and share the love! ​

​This year, the Garamasalas staff is thankful for all of you. Every click, every view, every share means so much to us. We couldn't do this without your continued support. Thank you, and happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours. 

illustration credit: debracartwright

RAGINI-​ At long last, it’s almost time for the greatest holiday of the year. Whether you’re a fan of the dangerous decorations and sinister scares or just like dressing up as your favorite character and collecting as much candy as possible, Halloween is a day when everyone can find a way to have fun. Unfortunately, often this fun comes at the expense of people who already face persecution the other 364 days of the year. Many costumes range from insensitive to just flat out racist, like this year’s particularly popular “Mexican and Wall” duo costume. While I understand that without an understanding of certain cultural backgrounds it could be hard to understand why exactly some costumes are disrespectful, immigration officers and the border wall are tearing families apart, separating parents from children, and it’s hard to justify making a mockery of something that painful. If you don’t understand why blatantly making fun of people based on their country of origin, religion, or skin color is wrong, there’s not much I can say that will convince you to change your mind. However, if you genuinely don’t know why culturally appropriative costumes are wrong, hopefully by the end of this post you’ll understand why we minorities aren’t so fond of them.

The most obvious reason that racist and appropriative costumes are wrong is that they take sacred items and icons with thousands of years of cultural significance behind them and reduce them to a fashion statement, or even worse, a joke. Take, for example, the Sexy Indian costume. In Native American culture, each tune, bead, and feather has a purpose. Yet, people continue to dress up in feathered headdresses and tan, beaded dresses purely for aesthetic purposes, and yodel poorly to ridicule traditional Native songs. To make matters worse, many of these outfits for women feature short skirts and cleavage. Having this as the only representation of Native Americans causes more damage than you’d think; this overly sexualised view of Native women contributes to the reason that their rates of sexual assault are over double the national average. Even though wearing such traditional garments may seem trivial to outsiders, they have meaning and culture behind them and are not meant to be worn willy-nilly just for looks.

For the most part, there are two reasons people wear racially-inspired Halloween costumes. Some dress up as a “Suicide Bomber” or an Anne Frank-Hitler duo simply to turn real people into the butt of some sort of extremely inappropriate joke. Many others, however, wear culturally appropriative clothing for Halloween thinking that they are exempt from its offensiveness because they are familiar with the culture whose attire they are donning. What they fail to realise is that going on a mission trip in Africa or visiting China on a family vacation does not give them permission to use apparel from that country as a fashion statement. As an Indian woman, I see this sort of justification far too often. I’ve seen women who visited India once on a spiritual journey to find themselves, or took one yoga class 4 years ago, believe that they are entitled to wear Ganesh leggings or shirts featuring the very holy Hindu Om sign. First of all, if these people really loved and understood our culture the way they claim to, they’d understand why wearing religious insignias on their bodies is so disrespectful and refrain from misusing such sacred imagery. Second, many times these “appreciative, culturally aware” folks compliment my mehndi and bangles, and then in the very next sentence praise Trump for his travel ban, which forbids people who look like me from entering this country.

These types of appropriators “love the culture, but hate the people.” They pick and choose parts of the attire and cuisine to enjoy, but they will never know the struggles that come with being a part of whatever group they are trying to emulate. They apply henna and wear bindis, but don’t want to be mocked for their accents. They sport blackface and dreads, but don’t want the n-slur hurled at them as they walk down the street. They put on ponchos and fake mustaches, but don’t want to be told to go back to their country. They want the cute, Instagram-able aspects of PoC life, but not the ugly, harsh truths that come with being a minority in America. At the end of the day, they are able to take off the makeup, the costumes, the accessories, and go back to living a life of privilege. People of color do not have that luxury. We have to deal with racism, on both individual and institutional levels, every day of our lives.

No matter the intent, appropriative and racist costumes do more harm than good. When something has so many cons, it’s best to just let it go, especially when there’s a plethora of incredible, scary, funny, pretty, creative costumes to choose from. Every Halloween we must do our best to remind our friends, family, and acquaintances that people of color are not a joke. We are not a fashion statement. We are not a commodity. And we are definitely not your costume.

illustration credit: uppityfemale

P.R. -

/one year before/
a narrow alleyway

my footsteps i couldn't hear at all
but just like the music filling my ears
they were upbeat
happy
confident

three shadows

my footsteps i couldn't hear at all
but just like my heartbeat
they were gaining speed
uneasiness
trepidation

a hand on my neck
fingers pulling down my dress zipper

my footsteps i couldn't hear at all
but just like my voice
they would not budge
lost
empty

another emerging shadow
a woman

my footsteps i couldn't hear at all
but i could hear
the handful of words
​the woman yelled at me

my footsteps i couldn't hear at all
but just like the tears
streaming down my cheeks
they were fast
racing
an escape

/since then/
every moment

every instance of interaction
with tall men hindered
because of my assaulters

every occasion of choosing
whether or not to wear vibrant colors
because of being assaulted in a bright pink dress

every street, every corner
my footsteps i couldn't hear at all
but i could feel them
numb
distraught

/now/
i am still hurting
but the difference:
i am healing
i shall not be weakened

i can finally hear my footsteps.

illustration credit: tara o brien 

ANONYMOUS- My tale is not one as heart-warming and inspirational as many of the coming out stories I’m sure you’ve heard, but rather a very simple one. As a lover of romance, I used to fall for people at the drop of a hat. Even as a child, I had crushes on a variety of people, from students in my class to family friends to cartoon characters (don’t judge me, you know you thought Danny Phantom was a babe too). Some of these childhood crushes included women, but I assumed my admiration for them was just because I wanted to be them rather than be with them. Growing up in an HoC (Household of Color), my otherwise liberal parents never mentioned relationships, sex, or sexuality. I didn’t find out what “gay” was until fifth grade, when a classmate told me it was when a man marries another man, and I didn’t know there was a “female version” of it until much later. Over time, these crude definitions were refined for me, thanks to the good old world wide web, and I learned about all of the different genders and sexualities. However, because of this lack of knowledge until later in my life, I didn’t even know liking girls romantically was possible until I was in middle school. As a cisgender female with male love interests throughout high school, it was easy to forget about the sapphic part of my sexuality. Because I only fell for boys, I continued assuming I was straight without giving any thought to whether or not I actually was. Within my very close circle of friends, we’d talk about being gay in a joking-but-not-completely kind of way, and over time I warmed up to the idea of potentially dating both boys and girls. I felt more comfortable making jokes and references to my sexuality, and finally adopted the bisexual label and told my close friends about my newly discovered identity. Calling myself bi feels comfortable and just plain right, but despite finding a label that fits me, I still struggle with feeling bisexual enough. While some bisexuals may not have a preference, I lean strongly towards liking boys, which sometimes makes me feel like I don’t like girls enough to count myself as part of the LGBT+ community. Regularly, I have to stop and remind myself that any amount of attraction towards women is enough for me to be not-straight and I don’t have to justify or prove my bisexuality to anyone.

The problem with being bisexual is that people don’t always understand how you can be attracted to more than one gender, which can lead to a lot of dangerous biphobia. Although one might expect gay and lesbian people to be very accepting since they are also targeted for their sexuality, they are often perpetrators of biphobia. Many people are apprehensive about dating bisexuals due to false stereotypes and rumors that make them paranoid that bi people will leave them for someone of another gender. The lack of bi representation in media contributes to the negative connotations associated with bisexuality. On the rare occasion that there is a character who likes men and women, they’re either a promiscuous cheater, going through a phase, or “just don’t like labels.” Even Glee, the show that tried to be progressive in every possible way, featured biphobic dialogue on multiple occasions towards both a gay boy and a bi girl. The stigma coming from all directions can be awfully isolating. It’s already hard enough to come to terms with who you are; it makes it even more difficult when everyone, including people who are usually progressive, is telling you that you’re being greedy or that your sexuality isn’t real.

A lot of people think that discovering your sexuality always follows the same three steps: 1) confusing feelings about the same gender, followed by 2) realization of lack of heterosexuality, and then 3) coming out of the closet in a grand, emotional gesture and/or Instagram post. It’s a road with a clear start and finish, with the end goal being coming out to everyone. This very personal journey of self-discovery is expected to end in a big revelation for others to see and comment on, but what people - especially liberals who are surrounded by like-minded, accepting people - fail to take into account is that coming out is not necessarily the safest option for many LGBT+ individuals, especially young people financially dependent on their less tolerant parents or those living in rural/conservative areas where coming out may put them at risk of physical or emotional abuse. Even if they’re in a safe environment but still don’t feel comfortable coming out, that’s absolutely okay as well. Personally, although I know many of my friends and family members would be accepting if they knew about my sexuality, I’ve chosen to only tell a few friends who I’ve known for many years. I withhold this part of my identity from them not to avoid persecution, but to maintain a sense of privacy regarding my personal life. I’ve seen people become offended upon finding out that their gay friend didn’t tell them they were gay and it’s entirely possible that once I do come out to more people they’ll be hurt I didn’t tell them earlier, but I find that completely unfair. Sexuality is a personal thing, and no one should feel obligated to share details about themselves.

If you came out this National Coming Out Day, I’m so proud and excited on your behalf. I know how terrifying and exhilarating it can be to share that part of you with someone new, and I hope you are loved and accepted by everyone you decide to tell. If you’re thinking about telling people about your sexuality or aren’t sure if you want to take such a big step just yet - or ever - that’s perfectly fine, too. You don’t owe anyone anything. Whether you decide to tell others or not, it’s entirely up to you. If you have questions or need help, here is a list of resources you can reach out to.

illustration credit: shoujesus

PRANEEKA & RAGINI- ​You voted, we listened! Here are four playlists we've made for all the kickass women out there. #ReclaimYourTime #NeverthelessShePersisted #WeCanDoIt #IHateWhenGIRLSDie 

​// content warning: playlists may include explicit songs //

illustration credit: brookefischerart

​NAVYA- In hindsight, it seems inevitable that I ended up choosing fashion. I grew up roaming Delhi textile markets with my grandmother, laying on the couch while watching my cousin sketch beautiful designs, and going luxury shoe shopping with my father. Using clothing as a medium of expression and art was natural and more than often an avenue for me to escape reality. The idea that an individual could make a statement about their identity solely due to the cloth they chose to put on their body was incredibly intriguing to me. In my mind, that was how you truly gained control over your self concept. ​​

And just as fashion seemed to be my inevitable path due to my environment, so did the decision to use it as a platform for social consciousness. I’ve spent my life living in a pristine suburbia of Texas, where I spent my days sipping iced coffees and living in privileged oblivion. But then, every year or so, I was uprooted from my comfortable naivety and put in the complicated, beautiful chaos that is India. It was there that I first recognized the raw nature of humans - hope, greed, ambition, spirituality, ignorance, beauty. It was eye opening. 

It was out of the duality of my Indian and American identity that Kaahani was born. I had seen both sides. I had seen privilege, comfort, luxury. But I had also seen loss, need, and hunger. I felt an intense desire to use the lucky hand of cards I was dealt in my life to uplift others along with me. With my exposure to handicraft markets and love for fashion, it seemed natural and obvious to create a brand that provided beautiful products that tell the story of real people who have just as many hopes and dreams as I do. Many of the artisans in India practice crafts that have been carried down from generation to generation, and they continue to sell their handicrafts with a common goal in mind: sending their children to school. It is my hope that through the efforts of our brand, we can sustain these hardworking, talented people. Rather than going through third party vendors, our clients are able to purchase straight from the craftsmen. We carefully curate collections of artisan made products, allowing them to earn much higher margins on their craft than they typically would. Kaahani is our medium of choice to showcase the artisan trade. It is their story, and mine.

ANON- I grew up in a very conservative Indian family. The kind where my parents told me that I can date after marriage, without even a hint of humor...and then clarified that I would date my husband. I think much of my awkwardness and inability to interact normally with the opposite sex stems from the fact that I was raised in this stereotypical Indian mentality. For those unaware, girls are supposed to be pure, meaning:
​

1. No boys

2. Get married:

​I remember my parents giving one of many lectures - usually cautionary tales about the pitfalls of other Indian youth in America - that demonstrate this mindset.

The story was this: a girl was friends with a boy. They spent a lot of time together and a picture of them with their arms around each other ended up on social media. Now, when it came time for the girl to get married, her proposed suitor apparently found the photo and ended the engagement. After hearing this, no one else wanted to propose to the girl. Shame and disgrace rained upon their family, and it was all her fault. The moral of this story, my parents told me, is to not get close to boys. "Don’t even greet the boys at church with a hug," they specified. "Someone will take a photo and your life will be ruined."

Listening to this story, I was enraged. “What happened to the boy in the picture?” I asked my parents. “Did he ever get married?” They did not respond, but the answer was clear. Why does the girl always bear the blame in our culture? I wondered. I sassily told my parents, if that girl were me, I would be thankful that I didn’t have to marry that man. If he is so insecure that he excavates a photo from years ago, and can’t let it go, what kind of marriage would that be? If a person cannot accept his or her significant other’s past, and leave it in the past, there is no future for their relationship. This story also contradicts my feminist ideals since it implies that a girl’s entire goal in life is marriage. Now that the girl’s “prospects” are gone, her life is assumed to be ruined. She cannot truly ever be successful without a man.

This is where the cognitive dissonance begins for me. My parents have always dissuaded me from spending time with boys. Growing up, they encouraged independence, explaining how unnecessary a boy is for my success. Rather, boys were distractions. Yet, at the same time, there has always been the expectation that someday, I will get married (to the boy they choose). It used to be easy for me to push aside the anxiety brought on by this idea, but now that I’m getting older, the narrative has changed. I am no longer the capable, independent young woman they were raising. Now, “medical school is difficult and you will need someone by your side.” What happened to the idea that boys are distractions? What happened to the idea that I can do anything I set my mind to?

“Can you believe we’re going to get her married in 3 years?” my mom remarked when I returned from my first year of college. I just laugh these comments off, but the worry nags at me. From a young age, I knew this was coming, but it had always seemed so far away. I thought I had plenty of time to change their minds. While I have tried, it is futile. I thought perhaps my parents might mellow with age. From my vantage point, they haven’t. The clock is ticking and there is nothing I can do. My parents are good people and I’m blessed to have them. It simply hurts me how narrow-minded they can be; as reasonable as they seem, they are very much still set in their ways. This same stubbornness has led to many disagreements in our house. I have spent many nights upset about seemingly unjust decisions my parents made. Trying to cope with the combined stress of school, friends, and general teenage angst, I spent many nights imagining my fantasy future. One day, my prince would come and whisk me away from the nightmare that was my life. One day, I would look back at all my troubles and smile because they led me to him. One day, everything was going to be okay. I would be happy and married to the man who made them okay. But then I would remember how upset it made me when my parents discussed getting me “married off.”

​One of the Malayalam words for “married” literally translates to “tied.” I had always thought marriage was simply another way for my parents to tie me down. Yet at the same time, here I was, looking at it as my escape. These conflicting views used to make me hate myself, and then hate my parents for making me hate myself. Now, it simply makes me sad. I think I have come to a point of understanding them. They grew up in a culture where everyone did as they were expected to. Their parents grew up in that same culture, and so did their grandparents and great-grandparents. Here they are raising their children in a foreign land, struggling to pass down our culture without it being watered down by the deluge of American ideals. I think this makes them cling more stubbornly to the culture they were raised in. They are simply trying to preserve their sense of identity in a society that is trying to erase it. But at what point should the respect I owe my parents stop overshadowing the respect I owe myself? Must I be tied down by their expectations simply because tradition dictates it? Perhaps they will change someday. I hope it’s soon.

​But for now, I remain in this boy paradox.

illustration credit: hatecopy

RAGINI- Growing up, I watched as many saas-bahu serials as I did Disney Channel shows. My iPod was an even mix of Jesse McCartney and Sonu Nigam. Both pizza and daal-chawal were staple foods in my household. Fortunately, my peers were very accepting for the most part, so I was never made to feel inferior for my background or culture. Because of this, I never felt the need to hide or suppress my desi heritage; instead, I flaunted it. As a childhood diva, I eagerly awaited World Week in school so I could show off my lehenga cholis, and I raised my hand more than usual every year around the festival of Karva Chauth so everyone could see the mehendi designs on my hands. In a school full of white students, I was the token Indian girl, the unofficial authority on all things South Asia.

Because I was so in touch with North Indian culture, I was ecstatic to finally see the real deal after eleven years last fall when my dad and I made plans to visit four Indian cities over the course of three weeks. Along with excitement though, I felt a hint of insecurity. Here in the US, my heritage was my defining quality, my unique thing, often even among my Indian friends. I was afraid that in my homeland, I wouldn’t be considered Indian enough. My suspicions were confirmed the moment I stepped off the plane as the relatives welcoming us at the airport spoke to me in English rather than Hindi. This continued throughout the trip as people made special arrangements for me, like making sure I had bottled or filtered water and providing me with utensils for dishes usually meant to be eaten with one’s hands.

From shopkeepers to family members, my behavior surprised everyone I interacted with. When I greeted elders by touching their feet and saying pranam rather than giving them a ‘sup nod, spoke to waiters in Hindi instead of English, and offered to show family friends the classical dance I was teaching back home in Dallas, it caught everyone off guard. No one expected a girl brought up in America to be so familiar with Indian customs or have such an adequate grasp on the language (listen, my Hindi was impressive for a US citizen, but that still doesn’t mean it was great). It was clear that I was out of my element in India, but it was not nearly as foreign to me as everyone had seemed to expect.

August 15 is a very special date to me because it’s the day that I celebrate my native country’s independence as well as my own. On this day in 1947, India was freed from the British, and in 1998 my mother and I made the journey from India to the United States. Although I left India at a young age, my parents spent my formative years instilling traditional Indian values and a love of my culture in me. Because I’m not just American and I’m not just Indian, it’s easy to feel like an outsider in both countries sometimes. However, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. It’s the blending of the values of both of my countries that has made me the unique individual I am today.